Satellite Heart

I'm a satellite heart lost in the dark..

I don't get why something always happens that seems to either ruin my day or make me feel absolutely crappy about something.. My plan today was to work out, shower, get ready, go to a hs football homecoming, then go to an awesome dance party. Ends up, Josh calls me after getting off work early. Which is awesome!! So he came up to visit and we went out to get taco bell and then we decided to go riding on a dirt bike that he had in his truck. We go to fill up but then all of a sudden it's time to head to the game. He gets aggravated cause there's not enough time to ride and in return, I feel horrible for not saying anything sooner and ruining his plans. When I start heading to the game with my roommate (Ali) and her boyfriends family, I start feeling absolutely horrible and am definitely not in the mood to go. Obviously I would feel bad going and ruining everybody else's fun time to I decided to skip out on the game. While standing by myself in the Little Caesars parking lot, I realized that I always seem to aggravate, disappoint or irritate almost everybody that I try to be friends with... 

Several of my roommates still act awkward around me, none of my so-called-friends from past semesters want to hang out and the one guy that I kinda like is not even talking to me anymore. 

I feel like I'm playing a game of hide n seek where I'm the only one hiding yet everybody bails and there's nobody looking for me. Nobody cares if I'm found or if I just sit there for the rest of the day... What's sad is that's actually happened to me before when I was younger. 

I don't know how to stay strong anymore..
I don't know who I can call when I'm having a hard time..
I don't know what I'm doing with my life..

Why am I not important?

My Goal!!

Today while at school I realized that I need to keep myself on track and do things that will make myself proud. So I have come to the decision that I am going to write something on my blog once a day every day during this following month of October. I will start today and get in the hang of things. I know that this will help me by sorting out my thoughts and feelings about myself, others, and things that I should be doing. 

In my missionary preparation class, I decided that I needed to better myself and take care of things in my past that I shouldn't have done. It's always difficult admitting, to others and yourself, that you did something wrong. Yet, I know that it will help me to overcome these things and become a better person. 

On to how I'm feeling today. I absolutely love my roommates and I get along with them so well. It's just that sometimes I feel as if I'm the third wheel a lot of the time. I'm okay with it most of the time because usually I go somewhere to hang out with somebody. Yet, when I'm at home all night without doing anything, I feel as if they would rather me be gone. At this very moment, everyone started having a conversation and when I put in my two cents, I was completely ignored.. It's kinda sad.

Also, I kinda like this guy. I know that nothing too serious is going to happen since I'm gonna be going on a mission soon. Yet he's kinda confusing haha We've cuddled and held hands and he doesn't mind doing that stuff in front of his roommates but he hasn't tried to kiss me yet!! It's driving me crazy!! haha Although, I think he's just trying to be respectful and take time with it. He was taught by his dad to be really respectful to women in every aspect. We will see what happens!! 

Have a great day. Stay positive. I'll be back tomorrow :)

friends.

What really defines a true friend?

Is it when somebody is there for you or if they can sit and help or just listen to what's going on in your life? Or just somebody you can have fun with?


I'm not exactly sure how to define the word friend. Yet, Dictionary.com describes it as the following:

1.      a person attached to another by feelings of affection orpersonal regard.

2.     a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends ofthe Boston Symphony.

3.     a person who is on good terms with another; a person whois not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

4.         a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5.     ( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society ofFriends; a Quaker.

Even though all of these things help to describe a friend, I don't exactly think that these definitions describe what an actual friend is...        A friend is somebody you can speak to about anything, who you can be your absolute self with and who will understand what you're saying even when you can't put it into words. But it is also so much more than that. A friend is somebody who you can sit and do nothing with yet have an amazing time with, laugh at anything and even make you feel like the most important person in the world.

Why then is it so difficult to find somebody who is wiling to be my friend when I am willing to be anybody and everybody's friend?.. I do have many friends, yet when I am going through something, I don't feel like I can call anybody and speak to them about it. I feel as if I'm being weak or that I don't feel like I can show them my true feelings about what's actually going on in my life, head and heart.

Having a lot of friends is so great because you can always have something to do. but lately, all my friends (and guys that I've liked) have began ignoring me... not that I shouldn't expect this, because it always seems to happen, but it's always difficult. I always seem to think that this time will be different. This person is different. Yet, every time, without fail, I am once again disappointed by the fact that somebody took advantage of my friendship and then left me on the curb.

Don't get me wrong, my sister is my best friend, but when she's gone, I can have my own friends. They aren't OUR friends. They're MY friends. Yet, I also like to keep in contact, and do keep in contact with OUR friends even though she is gone... These are the people that don't care about me or what's happening with me in my life. When she was gone this semester, a lot of drama happened and a lot of OUR friends really just stopped talking to me. This week, my sister came and visited me and within two days, almost all of OUR friends stopped by to see her... It hurts knowing that they don't care about me, and are here only for her...

Not sure what to do about it... maybe cry myself a river.