Satellite Heart

I'm a satellite heart lost in the dark..

I don't get why something always happens that seems to either ruin my day or make me feel absolutely crappy about something.. My plan today was to work out, shower, get ready, go to a hs football homecoming, then go to an awesome dance party. Ends up, Josh calls me after getting off work early. Which is awesome!! So he came up to visit and we went out to get taco bell and then we decided to go riding on a dirt bike that he had in his truck. We go to fill up but then all of a sudden it's time to head to the game. He gets aggravated cause there's not enough time to ride and in return, I feel horrible for not saying anything sooner and ruining his plans. When I start heading to the game with my roommate (Ali) and her boyfriends family, I start feeling absolutely horrible and am definitely not in the mood to go. Obviously I would feel bad going and ruining everybody else's fun time to I decided to skip out on the game. While standing by myself in the Little Caesars parking lot, I realized that I always seem to aggravate, disappoint or irritate almost everybody that I try to be friends with... 

Several of my roommates still act awkward around me, none of my so-called-friends from past semesters want to hang out and the one guy that I kinda like is not even talking to me anymore. 

I feel like I'm playing a game of hide n seek where I'm the only one hiding yet everybody bails and there's nobody looking for me. Nobody cares if I'm found or if I just sit there for the rest of the day... What's sad is that's actually happened to me before when I was younger. 

I don't know how to stay strong anymore..
I don't know who I can call when I'm having a hard time..
I don't know what I'm doing with my life..

Why am I not important?

My Goal!!

Today while at school I realized that I need to keep myself on track and do things that will make myself proud. So I have come to the decision that I am going to write something on my blog once a day every day during this following month of October. I will start today and get in the hang of things. I know that this will help me by sorting out my thoughts and feelings about myself, others, and things that I should be doing. 

In my missionary preparation class, I decided that I needed to better myself and take care of things in my past that I shouldn't have done. It's always difficult admitting, to others and yourself, that you did something wrong. Yet, I know that it will help me to overcome these things and become a better person. 

On to how I'm feeling today. I absolutely love my roommates and I get along with them so well. It's just that sometimes I feel as if I'm the third wheel a lot of the time. I'm okay with it most of the time because usually I go somewhere to hang out with somebody. Yet, when I'm at home all night without doing anything, I feel as if they would rather me be gone. At this very moment, everyone started having a conversation and when I put in my two cents, I was completely ignored.. It's kinda sad.

Also, I kinda like this guy. I know that nothing too serious is going to happen since I'm gonna be going on a mission soon. Yet he's kinda confusing haha We've cuddled and held hands and he doesn't mind doing that stuff in front of his roommates but he hasn't tried to kiss me yet!! It's driving me crazy!! haha Although, I think he's just trying to be respectful and take time with it. He was taught by his dad to be really respectful to women in every aspect. We will see what happens!! 

Have a great day. Stay positive. I'll be back tomorrow :)