I'm a satellite heart lost in the dark..
I don't get why something always happens that seems to either ruin my day or make me feel absolutely crappy about something.. My plan today was to work out, shower, get ready, go to a hs football homecoming, then go to an awesome dance party. Ends up, Josh calls me after getting off work early. Which is awesome!! So he came up to visit and we went out to get taco bell and then we decided to go riding on a dirt bike that he had in his truck. We go to fill up but then all of a sudden it's time to head to the game. He gets aggravated cause there's not enough time to ride and in return, I feel horrible for not saying anything sooner and ruining his plans. When I start heading to the game with my roommate (Ali) and her boyfriends family, I start feeling absolutely horrible and am definitely not in the mood to go. Obviously I would feel bad going and ruining everybody else's fun time to I decided to skip out on the game. While standing by myself in the Little Caesars parking lot, I realized that I always seem to aggravate, disappoint or irritate almost everybody that I try to be friends with...
Several of my roommates still act awkward around me, none of my so-called-friends from past semesters want to hang out and the one guy that I kinda like is not even talking to me anymore.
I feel like I'm playing a game of hide n seek where I'm the only one hiding yet everybody bails and there's nobody looking for me. Nobody cares if I'm found or if I just sit there for the rest of the day... What's sad is that's actually happened to me before when I was younger.
I don't know how to stay strong anymore..
I don't know who I can call when I'm having a hard time..
I don't know what I'm doing with my life..
Why am I not important?
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
My Goal!!
Today while at school I realized that I need to keep myself on track and do things that will make myself proud. So I have come to the decision that I am going to write something on my blog once a day every day during this following month of October. I will start today and get in the hang of things. I know that this will help me by sorting out my thoughts and feelings about myself, others, and things that I should be doing.
In my missionary preparation class, I decided that I needed to better myself and take care of things in my past that I shouldn't have done. It's always difficult admitting, to others and yourself, that you did something wrong. Yet, I know that it will help me to overcome these things and become a better person.
On to how I'm feeling today. I absolutely love my roommates and I get along with them so well. It's just that sometimes I feel as if I'm the third wheel a lot of the time. I'm okay with it most of the time because usually I go somewhere to hang out with somebody. Yet, when I'm at home all night without doing anything, I feel as if they would rather me be gone. At this very moment, everyone started having a conversation and when I put in my two cents, I was completely ignored.. It's kinda sad.
Also, I kinda like this guy. I know that nothing too serious is going to happen since I'm gonna be going on a mission soon. Yet he's kinda confusing haha We've cuddled and held hands and he doesn't mind doing that stuff in front of his roommates but he hasn't tried to kiss me yet!! It's driving me crazy!! haha Although, I think he's just trying to be respectful and take time with it. He was taught by his dad to be really respectful to women in every aspect. We will see what happens!!
Have a great day. Stay positive. I'll be back tomorrow :)
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
friends.
What really defines a true friend?
Is it when somebody is there for you or if they can sit and help or just listen to what's going on in your life? Or just somebody you can have fun with?
I'm not exactly sure how to define the word friend. Yet, Dictionary.com describes it as the following:
Is it when somebody is there for you or if they can sit and help or just listen to what's going on in your life? Or just somebody you can have fun with?
I'm not exactly sure how to define the word friend. Yet, Dictionary.com describes it as the following:
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection orpersonal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends ofthe Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person whois not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. ( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society ofFriends; a Quaker.
Even though all of these things help to describe a friend, I don't exactly think that these definitions describe what an actual friend is... A friend is somebody you can speak to about anything, who you can be your absolute self with and who will understand what you're saying even when you can't put it into words. But it is also so much more than that. A friend is somebody who you can sit and do nothing with yet have an amazing time with, laugh at anything and even make you feel like the most important person in the world.
Why then is it so difficult to find somebody who is wiling to be my friend when I am willing to be anybody and everybody's friend?.. I do have many friends, yet when I am going through something, I don't feel like I can call anybody and speak to them about it. I feel as if I'm being weak or that I don't feel like I can show them my true feelings about what's actually going on in my life, head and heart.
Having a lot of friends is so great because you can always have something to do. but lately, all my friends (and guys that I've liked) have began ignoring me... not that I shouldn't expect this, because it always seems to happen, but it's always difficult. I always seem to think that this time will be different. This person is different. Yet, every time, without fail, I am once again disappointed by the fact that somebody took advantage of my friendship and then left me on the curb.
Don't get me wrong, my sister is my best friend, but when she's gone, I can have my own friends. They aren't OUR friends. They're MY friends. Yet, I also like to keep in contact, and do keep in contact with OUR friends even though she is gone... These are the people that don't care about me or what's happening with me in my life. When she was gone this semester, a lot of drama happened and a lot of OUR friends really just stopped talking to me. This week, my sister came and visited me and within two days, almost all of OUR friends stopped by to see her... It hurts knowing that they don't care about me, and are here only for her...
Not sure what to do about it... maybe cry myself a river.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Solution to the Equation of men
I never really thought that men were an equation to be solved. Sometimes, the equation is easy but there are always difficult ones. And alas, some are never able to be solved and others never are meant to be solved. So may I ask, since I don't like math, why do I pick the most complicated equations?!
In our classes, we cheat or we're told to 1-get tutoring 2-ask for help from classmates 3-try, try again. Then if none of those work, we seem give up completely.
Cheating- When it comes to men in general, there is no way to cheat yourself through the equation and ending up successful. In fact, I don't even think it is possible at all.
Get Tutoring- DON'T WE ALL? When we are confused about guys, what do we do? We go talk to another girl or even another guy about it. Take the movie Hitch for example. He helped all of those people that couldn't figure out equations. He was able to tutor them. In my life, I feel as if I am a tutor, but when it comes to my equations, I can't solve anything out.
Asking for Help- In the beginning of the movie He's Just Not That Into You, it shows a lot of women wondering about a guy they like and all their girlfriends are sitting around her making up excuses as to why the guy isn't calling her back. When it comes to this option, don't trust anybody. Except for maybe your closest friend who is in an amazing relationship and is engaged to be married. Otherwise, they will make up crap to make you feel better at the moment. When, in reality, it will only make you feel worse in the end. You sit here thinking that the guy isn't calling because he's at his Grandma's, helping her out because she can't walk, in the mountains and he doesn't have any cell reception. All while he's on a date with some chick who thinks she's getting a nice guy when you were in that position a few days ago. That will only end up in a disaster.
Try, Try Again- All I want to say for this is: why would anybody want to keep trying if every time they do try, it falls apart and it's expected to fall apart with every future relationship.
I've always tried to give men the benefit of the doubt. I try not to make excuses.... actually, I make a lot. But they are REALISTIC. Recently, I've realized that I shouldn't give another guy the benefit of the doubt. If he really likes you, then he will surprise you and you'll be happy. Don't get your hopes up waiting for them to just crash to the ground. Yes, aim high. Every girl wants her prince charming. But if you've put up with all the jerks and then prince charming doesn't chase after you on midnight, don't tell yourself he's going to come. If you do, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. But, if you just tell yourself that you had a nice time but don't think anything will happen, then he shows up with a glass slipper, you'll know he's a good guy. That doesn't mean overlook all the things that would normally make you worry.
When going into a serious relationship, especially marriage, you need to keep your eyes wide open. Look out for everything possible. If the only thing you don't like is that he eats cereal with chocolate milk, you should be fine. But if you notice that he is a little rude if you speak out of line, or when you say something that opposes his judgement, those are warning signs. My mom didn't look for those signs. Now she's married to a man that doesn't truly love her.
Now onto what I wanted to speak about. This is for the men. If you know a girl likes you and there's been a little something going on, don't start ignoring her if you don't like her. Grow some balls and just tell her. It's because of guys like that, that make girls act like the crazy psycho that everyone says girls are. They're just scared and don't want to lose something that they hoped would last for a while. If you find a girl that you like more and she becomes your squeeze instead, grow a pair and tell the other girl that you found somebody else. Otherwise, you're waisting everyone's time. The girl will be whining about what's going on to all her friends, she'll be sad, she'll bother you about it and nobody wants to deal with all that dramatic crap. Just GROW SOME BALLS AND TELL HER! Also, if you have a friend (that you tell everything to) that is also friends with her sister or friend, don't think she's not going to find out. Girls tell each other everything. Especially if they find out something about the guy that her friends been worried about. and don't have your friend tell hers knowing that that's the way she's going to find out. That just shows that you aren't man enough to suck it up and tell her yourself.
Now girls, if you don't know why a guy isn't calling or texting you back, there is a reason. It's because he doesn't like you! If he liked you, he'd make it happen. If he liked you and wanted to be more than friends, he'd make that happen. If all he wants is a make-out buddy, that's what he'll make happen.. Before you kiss him, figure out what his intentions are. If you're in that space where it's kinda more than friends but not official, don't stay in that relationship limbo. Bring it up and figure it out. Even though it's limbo, it'll kill you just sitting there the whole time. All or nothing baby. All or nothing.
I'm sorry to break the new to you ladies.. Let's see if we can follow my advice.
Hopefully I can.
In our classes, we cheat or we're told to 1-get tutoring 2-ask for help from classmates 3-try, try again. Then if none of those work, we seem give up completely.
Cheating- When it comes to men in general, there is no way to cheat yourself through the equation and ending up successful. In fact, I don't even think it is possible at all.
Get Tutoring- DON'T WE ALL? When we are confused about guys, what do we do? We go talk to another girl or even another guy about it. Take the movie Hitch for example. He helped all of those people that couldn't figure out equations. He was able to tutor them. In my life, I feel as if I am a tutor, but when it comes to my equations, I can't solve anything out.
Asking for Help- In the beginning of the movie He's Just Not That Into You, it shows a lot of women wondering about a guy they like and all their girlfriends are sitting around her making up excuses as to why the guy isn't calling her back. When it comes to this option, don't trust anybody. Except for maybe your closest friend who is in an amazing relationship and is engaged to be married. Otherwise, they will make up crap to make you feel better at the moment. When, in reality, it will only make you feel worse in the end. You sit here thinking that the guy isn't calling because he's at his Grandma's, helping her out because she can't walk, in the mountains and he doesn't have any cell reception. All while he's on a date with some chick who thinks she's getting a nice guy when you were in that position a few days ago. That will only end up in a disaster.
Try, Try Again- All I want to say for this is: why would anybody want to keep trying if every time they do try, it falls apart and it's expected to fall apart with every future relationship.
I've always tried to give men the benefit of the doubt. I try not to make excuses.... actually, I make a lot. But they are REALISTIC. Recently, I've realized that I shouldn't give another guy the benefit of the doubt. If he really likes you, then he will surprise you and you'll be happy. Don't get your hopes up waiting for them to just crash to the ground. Yes, aim high. Every girl wants her prince charming. But if you've put up with all the jerks and then prince charming doesn't chase after you on midnight, don't tell yourself he's going to come. If you do, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. But, if you just tell yourself that you had a nice time but don't think anything will happen, then he shows up with a glass slipper, you'll know he's a good guy. That doesn't mean overlook all the things that would normally make you worry.
When going into a serious relationship, especially marriage, you need to keep your eyes wide open. Look out for everything possible. If the only thing you don't like is that he eats cereal with chocolate milk, you should be fine. But if you notice that he is a little rude if you speak out of line, or when you say something that opposes his judgement, those are warning signs. My mom didn't look for those signs. Now she's married to a man that doesn't truly love her.
Now onto what I wanted to speak about. This is for the men. If you know a girl likes you and there's been a little something going on, don't start ignoring her if you don't like her. Grow some balls and just tell her. It's because of guys like that, that make girls act like the crazy psycho that everyone says girls are. They're just scared and don't want to lose something that they hoped would last for a while. If you find a girl that you like more and she becomes your squeeze instead, grow a pair and tell the other girl that you found somebody else. Otherwise, you're waisting everyone's time. The girl will be whining about what's going on to all her friends, she'll be sad, she'll bother you about it and nobody wants to deal with all that dramatic crap. Just GROW SOME BALLS AND TELL HER! Also, if you have a friend (that you tell everything to) that is also friends with her sister or friend, don't think she's not going to find out. Girls tell each other everything. Especially if they find out something about the guy that her friends been worried about. and don't have your friend tell hers knowing that that's the way she's going to find out. That just shows that you aren't man enough to suck it up and tell her yourself.
Now girls, if you don't know why a guy isn't calling or texting you back, there is a reason. It's because he doesn't like you! If he liked you, he'd make it happen. If he liked you and wanted to be more than friends, he'd make that happen. If all he wants is a make-out buddy, that's what he'll make happen.. Before you kiss him, figure out what his intentions are. If you're in that space where it's kinda more than friends but not official, don't stay in that relationship limbo. Bring it up and figure it out. Even though it's limbo, it'll kill you just sitting there the whole time. All or nothing baby. All or nothing.
I'm sorry to break the new to you ladies.. Let's see if we can follow my advice.
Hopefully I can.
Friday, May 13, 2011
rendered uncertainty
I haven't written in a long time, but oh well.. here goes nothin.
I've been home for just over a month, and i've been enjoying as much of it as i possibly can. so far this summer, i've gotten a job as a dental assistant (and am getting much better at it, might i add), have reorganized our entire home, made the front room into an office, made the entire yard look amazing, have had great relationships with my family (have had hard times too), about to watch my mom graduate with her masters tomorrow and having a big barbecue with a lot of people over, also i am going to go sky diving here within the next few weeks, and last but certainly not least, i have figured out what i am going to do for the next year and a half of my life.
so may i ask why every time i have a spare moment i feel so confused about everything? ...okay good. i take your silence as a yes. why?! i mean, i'm home with my family, i'm making good money for the summer, am able to see friends and am going to do great things within the next 2 years. why in the world do i feel lost? i believe in God, i have a testimony of the only true church there is on this earth and i know that if i remain faithful to Him then i will have a great life that i don't need to worry about.
but i do know this; that there are certain things in my past that i am not ready, or willing, to let go. i care about those things so much and do not want to miss out on the opportunity of being able to have them in my life once more... is that my problem? not being able to let the past stay in the past. thank you timon and pumbaa. I am how you say, putting my behind in the past when i should be putting my past behind me. yet, in the wonderful story of the lion king, Simba did put the bad things in the past (in a way) and in the end, the good things of his past also became his future. i know that doesn't happen to a lot of people on this earth, but i know that i have the right to be happy; and my past will make me happy if it merges with my future.
i can think of several different disney movies that can describe my confusion at the moment. sleeping beauty, cinderella, the little mermaid, hopefully finding nemo and hopefully the lion king. --hopefully in the end, everything will turn out good and that i will not be so confused about what i'm supposed to be doing in my life right now.
I've been home for just over a month, and i've been enjoying as much of it as i possibly can. so far this summer, i've gotten a job as a dental assistant (and am getting much better at it, might i add), have reorganized our entire home, made the front room into an office, made the entire yard look amazing, have had great relationships with my family (have had hard times too), about to watch my mom graduate with her masters tomorrow and having a big barbecue with a lot of people over, also i am going to go sky diving here within the next few weeks, and last but certainly not least, i have figured out what i am going to do for the next year and a half of my life.
so may i ask why every time i have a spare moment i feel so confused about everything? ...okay good. i take your silence as a yes. why?! i mean, i'm home with my family, i'm making good money for the summer, am able to see friends and am going to do great things within the next 2 years. why in the world do i feel lost? i believe in God, i have a testimony of the only true church there is on this earth and i know that if i remain faithful to Him then i will have a great life that i don't need to worry about.
but i do know this; that there are certain things in my past that i am not ready, or willing, to let go. i care about those things so much and do not want to miss out on the opportunity of being able to have them in my life once more... is that my problem? not being able to let the past stay in the past. thank you timon and pumbaa. I am how you say, putting my behind in the past when i should be putting my past behind me. yet, in the wonderful story of the lion king, Simba did put the bad things in the past (in a way) and in the end, the good things of his past also became his future. i know that doesn't happen to a lot of people on this earth, but i know that i have the right to be happy; and my past will make me happy if it merges with my future.
i can think of several different disney movies that can describe my confusion at the moment. sleeping beauty, cinderella, the little mermaid, hopefully finding nemo and hopefully the lion king. --hopefully in the end, everything will turn out good and that i will not be so confused about what i'm supposed to be doing in my life right now.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
SUMM3R :)
Okay!! So exactly a week ago I was pulling into the driveway of my home. Though the grass was tall and the weeds were a little bad, I loved the view. The trees were green, the house was refreshingly inviting and my younger brother and sisters were excited to see me. since I've been home, I've traveled 5 hours to Houston, watched an Astros game, came home, said bye to Travis, got my first job as a dentists assistant, helped mow the yard and make it look great!, and yesterday we helped my little sister prep for Sting tryouts-she made it of course. Now, I'm about to go outside to help start the tractor, tear down some trees and set up our play set that has been sitting around on our trailer for nearly 6 months, and tonight i'm going to a singles dance. Boo ya! Today we are going to accomplish a lot! I LOVE it haha
But I'm not gonna lie. There have been a few things that I haven't enjoyed since I've been here. Last night, I saw my dad for the first time since Christmas. This morning, he griped me out for taking pictures with silly faces because apparently it's ugly and it ruins the pictures. The other thing I don't like, is missing so many people. I miss all my roomies, my good friends from college, and the guy I like. But also, one of the things that bothers me the most about being home, is that everywhere I look, I am reminded of David..
Hopefully, hopefully, I will be able to get over all of these things and have a great summer. If not, it will still be a good one :) I won't complain
But I'm not gonna lie. There have been a few things that I haven't enjoyed since I've been here. Last night, I saw my dad for the first time since Christmas. This morning, he griped me out for taking pictures with silly faces because apparently it's ugly and it ruins the pictures. The other thing I don't like, is missing so many people. I miss all my roomies, my good friends from college, and the guy I like. But also, one of the things that bothers me the most about being home, is that everywhere I look, I am reminded of David..
Hopefully, hopefully, I will be able to get over all of these things and have a great summer. If not, it will still be a good one :) I won't complain
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I'm comin home!
well now.. today was my last day in the dreary weather of a town known as sexy rexy (rexburg ID) and i am thoroughly looking forward to the warm weather that awaits me in my home town of Stephenville TX!! I haven't seen my family since Christmas break and can't wait to see each of them :D I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes tell the World I’m coming home. oh i love them all dearly! it's going to a rememberable reunion. The weather will be great, i'll see all of my old friends that i haven't seen in a year -since i didn't see any last time- and i will be working at a dental office somewhere makin bank. i'll be getting a great tan while ridin the horses, swimming, and spending my days out in the sun. it's been a long cold lonely winter. it feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, and I say it's all right. Although i will miss all of my newly found friends -let me correct myself.. best friends, i know that i will come back and see you again. i love each and every single one of you and i shall never forget you. y'all have all had an amazing impact on my life and have helped me progress to whom i should be. my girls have given me strength and have showed me that i am a great person. they have done many things for me and i can never repay them. at times i have felt surrounded by millions of people and still felt so alone. yet, they have helped me thought each of those times and i am thoroughly grateful. i love each of you! someday we'll be together. once again, i love you and i shall see you soon! adios mi amor!
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